I wish I thought of blogging when I'm in a great mood and have a lot of fun things to say.  Anymore, it seems like the only time I think of it is when I don't have anywhere else or anyone else to turn to.  And I suppose that's okay.  Everyone has to vent sometimes...I just don't want to give the world the impression that I'm this completely depressed and melodramatic individual.  Typically, I'm in a great mood and happy about everything.  Tonight, not so much.

So, I think this all started last week.  I'd been in a great mood for about a week and I had really been wanting to play the part of "perfect wife".  I get in these moods where it's so important to me to be that iconic 50's figure, always happy to be cooking and cleaning and just...that's what a good wife is, to me.  If you think that's ridiculous...well, I don't really care.  To me, that is perfection...that's who I want to be.  It just doesn't really happen.  I mean, I cook and I clean and stuff...but I don't take the time to plan and really make out a list and buy specific groceries...and when I'm feeling like this, that's all I want to do.  So, at any rate, for the past week or two, I've been doing this to a T and loving everything about it...how it makes me feel, how the fridge has good meals in it that are ready to eat, the kitchen is cleaned, the dishes are put away, etc.

Last night I got a phone call that really bothered me, and it completely put me out of this mood.  Now I'm just sitting around thinking about how I am NOT that perfect person, that great wife...and it's sad.  Cause it's like I was pretending all the time...but I really WANT to be this person.  Why can't I be this person all the time?  The want is there...I just get tired.  My husband doesn't really notice and I don't even mind that.  After all, it's my job and that's how it's just supposed to be.

I'm just really burned out at work.  Everyone has been in a crappy mood lately.  They are replacing one of our old programs, Filepro, with this new software...I guess it's a lot more time consuming and the developers won't even try to work with anyone.  So, they're basically taking an old system that works well and changing it into a new system that makes you work harder...  I've about had it.  I don't know if it's my mood this week, or if I'm actually ready to quit, but I'm just so sick of it there.  I go in angry every morning...the only time I'm glad is when I'm at home, and then I'm lonely once I get here cause I'm here by myself. 

Some days I feel so abandoned.  When Scott does come home, all he wants to do is just talk and talk and talk and talk about himself and his day and I'm always glad to listen, but it'd be nice if he asked me how I was once in awhile. I know he cares, but I feel as though he doesn't sometimes.  I don't even think that's it.  I just get mad cause he's thoughtless. 

So, I don't know what to do.  I'm at a loss.  We need my income.  I can't just walk out.  The car needs tires and front brakes.  The damn solenoid we just fixed last year has already started to wear.  On the way home from the camp it started shifting rough for the first time.  It hasn't done it again, but it's like the straw that's breaking the camel's back. 

I feel cornered and trapped.  I'm tired of it and am wearing down more rapidly.  I haven't had a good night's sleep in over 3 weeks.  I don't know why but I can't relax enough to get that great deep sleep that makes you feel rested.  I'm not tossing and turning, but I must not be getting that REM sleep, either. 

I"m afraid of everything, I get mad too often, and I am lonely.  Sounds like a great combination, doesn't it? 

I haven't been able to cry for quite awhile.  Not even when I'm alone.  I wish I could. I think it might help.  I just get emotionless when I try.  Like nothing's wrong at all...but then, it's not as though anything is right, either.  It just is. 

I'm waiting to start on another panic attack because of this.  I just don't allow myself to...

I should be sleeping...trying to catch up...

So sorry you're going through such a rough time. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Also wanted to let you know I've moved my blog again (please don't smack me!). I wasn't happy with Blogger either, so now I'm with wordpress. If this one doesn't work out, I give up!!! Sorry for any inconvenience.